Ice Cream, Fulbright, and Planting Seeds: Learning from Big and Small Wins

Hey TWHL fam,

It’s February 2nd - one-twelfth of the year gone! - and I’ve been lucky to hear a string of good news lately that I wanted to reflect on. Often in the medical profession we have a tendency to fall into either end of two extremes: either self-aggrandizing to puff ourselves up (and cope with the expectation to always be an “expert”), or minimizing our accomplishments due to a combination of humility and imposter syndrome (the flip side of being constantly surrounded by fellow “experts”). I hope to strike a balance here while sharing what I’ve learned so far.

Lesson 1: eat ice cream for breakfast.

Spilling the big news: I made semi-finalist for a Fulbright scholarship (a dream I’ve had since first year of medical school) and an application for a $50,000 pilot grant I submitted was recommended for funding. It’ll be a bit ‘til either one becomes official (or not), but I’m ecstatic to be where I am. At the same time, when I first found out, there was a little voice in my head saying, “hey, don’t get ahead of yourself.“ I even found myself apologizing to my partner for getting excited about things.

But why? It’s natural for humans to have a bias toward negativity, and it has served its function in our evolution as a species. But we also know that such thought patterns contribute to anxiety and depression, and can be re-wired through mindfulness to create a healthier balance. Evolutionary psychology aside, I find it helpful to provide a simpler justification.

We gain nothing from putting ourselves down, or stifling happiness. And happiness in the present moment does not negate our ability to be aware that nothing is guaranteed. In fact, I’d argue that such awareness enhances our happiness.

So yes, celebrate the steps along the way. Go wild! One of the unsung beauties of being an adult is the ability to eat ice cream whenever you want.

this could be you!

Lesson 2: self-doubt is obligatory.

In the long process that comes with doing hard things, I’ve found that self-doubt is inevitable. Though I was initially excited by the potential applications of my Fulbright project, as time wore on I began questioning whether what I wanted to do even mattered. I had chosen to pursue research in Japan, and I questioned whether I’d made the right choice when my ultimate goal was to work in the Philippines. Thoughts also drifted through my head that my application would be weaker because I wasn’t a heritage applicant (the term for when someone’s family is from the country they’re applying to).

But one thing I’ve come to embrace is that I can only be who I am. I’m a third culture kid who grew up navigating multiple perspectives, whose point of view was shaped by my travels. I care a lot about preventive health, and wanted to learn from the practices Japan has used to produce some of the best cancer outcomes in the world.

So that’s what I wrote, and I’d rather be rejected for who I am than accepted for who I’m not. So far, it looks like that’s working out.

Another thing I’d like to say here is that before you commit to something, ask yourself whether you’ll still be invested after the initial sparkle has faded. Imagine you’re three months into the project and getting overwhelmed, waking up sleep-deprived and working late, missing time with your family. Not to mention the result you’re hoping for remains uncertain or unlikely. Is it still worth it to you?

this could also be you.

Lesson 3: mental time travel is encouraged.

It just so happened that the day my Fulbright application was due was the day before my grant application was due, which was the same day I had to submit assignments and mid-clerkship feedback for my Internal Medicine rotation. Suffice it to say I was stressed. In fact, quite frankly I was hating my life those few weeks.

A thought that helped me then, and that I still think of frequently, is to remind yourself of the problems you have now that the you five years ago would have killed for. For one thing, I was in medical school, near the tail end of my rotations. Me five years ago would be grateful to know I’d gotten in! Second, I was fighting for things I wouldn’t have dreamed of prior to medical school. Especially with the pilot grant, it was only through the encouragement of my mentor that I’d even considered it. I was lucky to be where I was. That didn’t mean I wasn’t exhausted, sad, or overwhelmed, but it put things in perspective.

Take heart that the seeds you’ve planted will some day bloom. I’m a firm believer that concentrated efforts in the right direction will eventually bear fruit. It will be hard - and things will not go exactly as planned - but if it’s something you truly want, it will be worth it.

a wildflower will bloom even through the smallest crack in the pavement.